Offenses And The Wounds We Receive

Offenses And The Wounds We Receive

*In the 30 seconds it took me to walk back to my seat, I processed the message I received, identified how it was a trigger from past wounds, and what I needed to do about it.*

I want to tell you a story of something that happened to me. It could have happened at work, in my neighborhood, or with my family, but it didn’t; it happened in a church. Why am I telling you this? It’s because negative messages of rejection can come from anywhere. All people are flawed and fail; those who attend church are not exempt. So hang on to your hat because life is a journey, and regardless of where it comes from, you will never experience perfection or be removed from receiving hurtful messages of rejection.

It is what you do with these messages that count!

When I received this rejection message, I chose to learn from it and share it so you could learn from it as well. It came to me when my husband and I were in church service and there was an alter call for prayer. We had been praying and discussing the plans for our ministry so I said to my husband, “let’s go and ask for prayer; we need wisdom and guidance in our planning of what God has for us to do.” We want to be more effective at bringing tools and skills to people through Life Renewal Inc.

We were standing together as a leader of the church came to pray with us. He gave me no eye contact, but looked directly at my husband, shook his hand, introduced himself to my husband, and asked my husband’s name. He didn’t ask if we had any prayer needs, let alone what they were.  Instead he directly started praying for “Nathan….and his wife.”

I felt hurt, offended, and rejected. My guess is you have been in a similar situation and experienced similar emotions. Were you able to quickly identify your feelings and handle them with skill?

Because I teach these skills, I was able to immediately identify the messages that caused me such emotional upheaval. The message I received was not good; no eye contact, no introduction directed to me, no interest in knowing my name or who I was, and no concern to ask if I had a specific prayer request. The message I received was, “you are not important, I am not interested in you, I don’t need to give you my time or attention, and I am only concerned with the man of the family.”

Not only did I feel my reaction, but I saw a thousand faces flash before my eyes. I felt the reaction of many women I have counseled who have been abused, abandoned, and rejected by their fathers, husbands, and leaders. I instantly evaluated how they would have felt; I realized how they might have processed this negative message, and I knew the effect it could have upon them.

Many women have had emotionally unavailable fathers or husbands who have left them with gaping wounds. This experience could have triggered a reopening of those wounds for them. Many people are in relationships, both men and women, who have family members that knowingly or unknowingly send rejection messages. Yet too often, we don’t know how to process these messages in a manner to heal and resolve our emotions. What we do instead, is kick dirt over them. They get swept under the rug and piled on top of similar, previous wounds which only strengthens our negative expectations and faulty core beliefs.

I am the same as every other woman; I have experienced and overcome many of the same things my clients have experienced. The difference is, I have spent years honing skills to improve my own life and process things in a healthy manner, with the greater purpose of sharing them with you.

In the 30 seconds it took me to walk back to my seat, I processed the message I received, identified how it was a trigger from past wounds, and what I needed to do about it.

The minute I sat down, I turned to my husband. He recognized that the man had never introduced himself to me, asked my name, or even looked at me acknowledging that I existed. He knew the message I had received; he’s pretty receptive to such things being married to me. I told him I was triggered, and I immediately prayed to forgive the man for the hurtful message he probably didn’t even realize or intend to send. I prayed not to be critical and for God to heal the place in my heart that hurt. I then asked my husband to pray for me, which he did.

I later shared my experience with a friend who replied; “I too would have been hurt. I would have felt rejected, and I would have been angry, but there is no way I would have figured it all out, let alone by the time I got to my seat.” She said she would have struggled with it, probably internalized it, and added it to the pile of other rejection messages she’s received. It would have wounded her even more, and she wouldn’t have known what to do with it.

Everyone has experienced rejection. Rejection is the opposite of being validated as important, valuable, interesting, or lovable. When you aren’t validated as a person you receive a message of rejection that says, “You are not worth my time or attention.”

You may have received messages of rejection from your community, work environment, family, friends, and even at church. It does not mean the person who sends you a negative message has ill intent toward you or that he doesn’t like you. He may be a wonderful person with a good heart, serve in the community, have a relationship with God, but that doesn’t mean that person has the ability or skills to show God’s love to you because of his own life and relationship skills.

When you are representing yourself, and especially God, you must understand that messages of care, interest, and compassion are sent and received through your thinking, speech patterns, and life and relationship skills. Rejection messages are hurtful and damaging in all settings, but I think they are especially painful in a church setting where people are seeking wisdom, guidance, and support. If you receive negative messages, you cannot allow these messages to define you, define God, define the church as a whole, or define even the very people who fail you.

Our communities, families, and churches are made of people. If you want to influence the world with a positive impact, then choose to identify what messages your core beliefs, life and relationship skills are sending, both positive and negative, and learn the tools and skills to correct them. When you are on the receiving end of a message, you need to know how and why that message has triggered you, and what to do with it, so that it does not adversely affect you, and add to the pile of hurts in your soul.

I have spoken to many people who have been offended by something someone said or did and in turn rejected family, friends, church, and trusted leaders. Some even walked away from God because of the messages they embraced instead of rejected. If you receive messages that attack you with rejection, you must reject the message, not the person. Whether you send or receive these messages is your choice. You’re not a victim just because something hurtful happens; you can choose to reject and process these messages successfully so you don’t carry the offense into tomorrow or the rest of your life.

Everyone can choose to learn to evaluate the messages they send and improve their skills so they don’t harm people. You, as an individual, need to practice diligence and caution, and send messages that build up instead of tearing other people down. You interact with people on a daily basis, and those of you who work with and serve people in ministry settings, myself included, are held to a higher standard.

“Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly.” James 3:1

Christianity rightly teaches you to be a light, to show God’s glory, character, grace, and mercy. You are to love God and love people; however, the disconnect comes when your thinking and core beliefs produce faulty speech patterns as well as life and relationship skills that do not display those messages of love. Your challenge is to move all that God placed in your spirit man into your soul area. The Bible calls this the process of sanctification. This means affecting change in your mind – thinking and core beliefs, will – all of your life and relationship skills, and your emotions – how you feel and maintain control of self.

Jesus modeled impeccable life skills, from how He dealt with children, His ability to confront the Pharisees, His mercy to the women caught in the act of adultery, His grace toward the tax collector, and His compassion to the Samaritan woman who was “less than” in her culture because she was living with a man to whom she was not married. Jesus treated all people with the same respect, and gave all people His equal attention. He was not a respecter of persons: not male or female, slave or free, rich or poor. He is the same today. Regardless of your position in life, Jesus treats everyone the same, giving His respect and pouring out His love upon you.

The world would be transformed much faster if we would recognize that change starts within our thinking. You must identify sent and received messages, realign your thinking when needed, and then your emotions, speech, behaviors, life and relationship skills will improve. This is the way that you maintain healthy relationships and reflect God. When you choose not to, you are not reflecting God.

Your effort and attention must be focused on doing the work of sanctification because you are “transformed by the renewing of your mind.” When you are transformed, it shows through your emotions, communication, social skills, and your ability to resolve conflicts, set boundaries, forgive, and assert yourself. No one knows what is inside you except by how it is displayed through your thinking, which produces your emotions, speech patterns, life and relationship skills. If you are a Christian, this is how you truly display Christ.

In conclusion, we all will find ourselves as both the offended and the offender at one time or another. If you’ve been offended, take time to process what happened, recognize the offense, don’t allow it to form a mental stronghold, and forgive the one who offended you. If you have been the offender who has sent a hurtful message, take heed, humble yourself, and consider the messages that you send. Improve the life, and relationship skills that you display. If you fall short and blow it, forgive yourself. If you realize you may have offended someone, speak with them and correct the message; if you are confronted be quick to apologize and don’t be defensive. Care enough about people to take the time to learn tools and skills to tear down your faulty core beliefs and improve your thinking. This will transform how you speak and operate in life and relationship skills. The messages you give towards others are never hidden. They are always on display.

 Copyright 2013 Michele Fleming Ph.D.