Should I Marry a Pastor Who I Have Spoken With 3 Times Online?

7-19-13
Should I marry a pastor who I have spoken with 3 times online?
Dear Dr. Michele,
I didn’t fully commit my life to Jesus until I was almost 40. I’ve been praying and asking for a husband. I know He always answers my prayers. I also know that when I rely on myself, I usually suffer bad consequences. I really became close to God when I let go of all worldly things and focused only on Him.
When my child left for college, I became lonely and wanted someone with whom I could share my life and passion for God. I decided to try an online dating site and discovered that while many men say they are Christians, their actions don’t match their words. I ended up meeting a man who is a pastor, and after just three chats online he asked me to marry him. When I told him that we should get to know each other first, he said that he doesn’t believe in dating. He said he only believes in talking a leap of faith, so I agreed to marry him. Even though I am an adult, my parents don’t approve of this, but they aren’t Christians. I think they’re just looking out for me, but sometimes I get the feeling that they don’t ever want me to get married. They’re also concerned with worldly things, like how much money he makes. Money doesn’t matter to me. All I want is someone I can be with for the rest of my life who will encourage me to serve God with all of my heart.
My question is, how can I marry him without worrying about what my parents think? I asked God to give me a husband, and I believe this is His will for several reasons. One, no one has ever wanted to marry me before. All the men I dated just wanted a girlfriend to hang out with. Also, when I asked God to give me a husband, it was after years of sexual purity. Finally, I believe it is His will because I have a close relationship with God.
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Hello,
I am glad to see your commitment to God and faith. The Bible talks a lot about wisdom. From Genesis to Revelation, it defines what healthy looks like in life skills and in relationships. The Bible also teaches us to discern and identify fruit. This is the practical application of the Scriptures that I teach people every day; however, our faith can also be twisted into presumption.

It is good that you prayed for a husband, but to think the first man who asks you has to be from God is very dangerous and is a presumption, especially when he is a stranger who you don’t know. Talking to someone three times online is not knowing someone. God wants you to operate in wisdom and discernment. I have counseled thousands of Christians, and the number one marriage relationship issue I see is the lack of a stable foundation before they marry.

A Pastor who rushes you into marriage because he doesn’t believe in dating is not showing any wisdom. I also do not believe in “the world’s way of dating around” but I do believe in getting to know someone, discerning their spirit and behaviors, and identifying their fruit takes time. You have no idea what you are getting; if it is godly or not. Christian courtship (not dating around, but rather building a friendship and then courting) should take time to know each other and see if you are evenly yoked. Being evenly yoked doesn’t just mean both people are Christians, but it also means that they can walk side by side in Christ to fulfill more together than separately. Not every Christian who asks you to marry him is meant for you. Rushing marriage because you are lonely is a bad choice and it isn’t trusting God alone to meet your needs. Instead, it turns to anyone who is available and willing.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

A godly man will patiently court you, be willing to actively participate in some premarital counseling, (which all churches recommend) and protect you. It does not protect you to marry a stranger online whom you have never even met and do not know; it is self-seeking to want it NOW.

If you do not take time to “test the spirit, identify fruit, and operate in wisdom,” you are not operating in biblical principles. I recommend people know each other for at least a year before they consider marriage because it takes time to know someone and do all of the above. Many lonely women find themselves in nightmares when they rush into a relationship like this.

There are 20 healthy and godly behaviors in relationships, but you don’t know him so you aren’t able to identify if he has that good fruit in his behaviors. There are also 15 types of verbal and emotional abuse characteristics, but again you cannot discern that he does none of them, because you have not taken time to see his fruit. By what little you told me, I would have to say someone who would ask a stranger to marry them is not using biblical application in their relationship skills, and is likely not very emotionally healthy.

God would never lead you to rush into marriage because His principles are as I said. Also, this man can’t know he wants to be with YOU because he doesn’t know you. If this man wants to be with you, he will take time to get to know and cherish you, and he will court you as a godly man would. He will lay a foundation for marriage by doing the premarital work, which is vital. If he is pushy, manipulative, controlling, or if it is his way or the highway, you need to run screaming from the glaring red flags.

I hope that you operate in wisdom and that this has helped you. There is so much more to say about biblical application in relationships. If you need additional help, you can contact Life Renewal Inc. at the phone number below, and schedule a Skype appointment, or if you live in the Jacksonville area you can schedule an appointment in our office. Our fees are based on a sliding scale.

Dr. Michele