Hurting The Wounded: Abuse And Rejection In The Christian Church Part One

We expect we may be rejected by the world when we take a stand for Christ, but what about being rejected by the Church, or fellow Christians? Unfortunately that happens all too often. Rejection can be a form of abuse. Many people have endured abuse by the church and have done so silently. Abuse isn’t just physical or sexual. Abuse is also verbal and emotional. Abusive church systems are often hard to spot on a surface level and many people don’t even realize it is an abusive environment until years later, if at all. This is the first in a series of blogs that will cover abuse and rejection, especially from within the Christian Church community. You will learn how to identify it, see biblical examples of people who endured rejection or abuse from the church in their day, and learn how to heal from it.

To understand how rejection happens from the church, you must first understand what rejection is. To heal from something, you must first be able to identify it. Rejection is defined as when someone refuses to grant a person recognition or acceptance. We send a rejection message when we refuse to hear, receive or admit, cast someone aside, and not acknowledge a person’s feelings or experiences as real. The rejection message is sent through our actions, lack of actions, our words, silence, body language, and even our facial expressions.

We all desire relationships that will never abandon or betray us, but meet our needs and provide unconditional love and acceptance; however, many of us have experienced rejection messages from the place we least expect it: the church. In some cases it goes so far as to become verbal and emotional abuse. These messages, if we receive them, hinder our ability to have our basic needs meet and twist our thinking and expectations by using rejection as a tool to harm us.

We must learn to evaluate the messages and thought patterns that developed from our experiences and understand how they have affected us. We can then determine if our core beliefs are in agreement with the Bible. We all have a plethora of beliefs on which we act upon that do not agree with what we believe intellectually. These are our mental strongholds that must be torn down. To be Christlike and reflect Jesus to the world, our thoughts must agree with His Word. Then, our emotional responses, speech patterns, and the behavioral choices we make daily through our life skills will reflect the character of God and not our flesh.

The messages we receive produce core beliefs that often have us jumping in knee jerk reactions, waiting for the next painful experience to happen. Rejection is an experience that leaves us hurting, but we do not have to receive its messages. If we know and apply the Bible to every area of our identity, thinking, life and relationship skills, rejection has no power over us. We must know who we are in Christ and know God’s good intentions and promises. It is not enough to intellectually understand biblical truth; we must apply it in our daily life for it to be an effective tool to overcoming rejection. Knowledge alone is not a tool; it empowers us and becomes a tool when we apply the knowledge during trails and daily circumstances.

Many of us found our way to God by stumbling through our pain looking for healing and answers. We may have entered our churches bruised and battered. It is in the atmosphere that represents God’s presence, His character, His provision and His safety that we hoped for healing, acceptance and unconditional love. If we experience rejection and abuse from the church body and its leaders, it cuts very deeply.

As Christians and Christian leaders, God trusts us with His children, even His hurting children. So, should we not be exceedingly trustworthy in this responsibility?

In counseling, I have dealt extensively with church abuse. I would like to say it is rare, but it is not. Often the people who are sharing with me express that they were standing on their last hope, searching for their purpose, identity, or healing for themselves, their marriages, or children. If they were let down, they often felt let down by God and that there was no hope for them. God’s promises may be true, they often surmised, but not true for them. When someone receives rejection from those who should extend the love of Christ it is often devastating.

“Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” 1 John 4:8-10 NIV

If you have experienced abuse or rejection from Christians or a church, you are not alone. The good news is God can heal anything, if we let Him. Don’t allow your negative experiences to define God’s character. God is a God of love. He loves you.

Dr. Michele

Copyright © 2014 by Michele Fleming, Ph.D.