God Looks At Your Heart: Abuse And Rejection In The Christian Church Part Two

Rejection is never God’s will. I explain to people that God never condemns. Jesus said He came to save the world not condemn it. God does not attack who you are; however, He does, convict us of sin. This means He points out beliefs or behaviors for us to address. He never condemns our identity, future, or potential. This is the difference between condemnation and conviction. He does not make our behavior a statement of our identity. Instead, God urges us to change our mind, thinking, and core beliefs. This is the definition of repentance. We are to align ourselves with His Word and come in agreement so that we can improve our behaviors and reflect Him.

God judges our heart, not our behaviors. He sees the changes within and depending on what we have been through it may take time to show on the outside. So, when we judge and condemn Christians that they haven’t arrived at our standard, we don’t bring encouragement but rather destruction rejection and abuse. We must remember that God works through flawed beings.

“But we have this treasure in earthen vessels that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us.” 2 Corinthians 4:7-8 NKJV

“My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9 NKJV

It is through us, flawed vessels with weaknesses, God works. He chose this method to reveal Himself to the world. Therefore isn’t it illogical that He would then reject us for being weak, cracked vessels? He would not. We do need to produce fruit in keeping with repentance, but we are not to judge each other by our personal measuring sticks and expectations, on our timetable rather than God’s.

 “Now it happened, as Jesus sat at the table in the house, that behold, many tax collectors and sinners came and sat down with Him and His disciples. And when the Pharisees saw it, they said to His disciples, “Why does your Teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?” When Jesus heard that, He said to them, ‘Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy and not sacrifice. ‘For I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance.’” Matthew 9:10-13 NKJV

Jesus did not dismiss himself from those who were in sin. Righteousness was fulfilled through what He accomplished on the cross and we have become the righteousness of Christ. It is the heart attitude that makes us righteous, not perfect behavior. He saw the hearts, not just behaviors. It requires a change in agreement and core beliefs for behavior to be different. He was judged by the religious leaders for associating with such people. Does that pious attitude still exist in today’s church? Unfortunately, it does. He came for the sick. He came not to condemn, but to extend mercy. Rejection is not from God when we are lost, sick, wounded, or bound. He is on our side, not opposed to us.

I have ministered to Christians and many leaders who felt it was unsafe to ask for help in their church system. If you are a pastor or leader in a church with an issue to work through, will someone stand beside you to help you heal, or will they just remove you as unsuitable? We hope for leaders that reflect Jesus; who died for us while we were yet sinners.

Although there are many leaders who are kind, godly people who are reflecting Christ, there are also those who misrepresent Him within the church system. The pain of rejection and abuse from the church can cause deep wounds. We must face these wounds within ourselves and others to bring the restoration that Jesus purchased on the cross for all. Remember, God said the wheat and tares grow side by side. We need to identify and discuss rejection and from the church and Christians, because some of God’s people are being harmed. Let me give you a few examples of rejection by the church that I have heard in counseling thousands of Christians.

I have had a number of clients set aside by their church as being too much trouble to deal with. Leaders had determined that since they haven’t received healing in what they consider a timely fashion they really don’t want help. They are bleeding to death and ignored. They are expendable. Do we not remember that Jesus left the ninety-nine sheep to go after the one sheep? This should be our heart, not a message of rejection where we let people fall through the cracks.

I’ve heard the pain from people with addictions that were rebuffed for their weaknesses and even if they try and fall down, eventually they are dismissed for their failure. Many people who have struggled with sexual issues, unwed pregnancy, porn addiction, or same sex preferences are sent clear messages of rejection and even asked to leave their churches. People who are divorced may also have received messages that they are forever defined by their past. When people are hurting, often a quick solution is just a band aid that will not heal the deep wounds. We need leaders who will stand side by side with the wounded for as long as it takes for them to receive real healing.

I have worked with many Christians suffering from the wounds of controlling churches where the leader makes not only church decisions but personal decisions for participants. If the leader is questioned, the member is abused into submission. Remember abuse doesn’t have to be physical; it’s also emotional and verbal. All abuse and shaming is always intended to maintain control. All abuse is rejection, and some people have experienced deep rejection and been wounded in this way. God’s heart breaks when some people end up turning away from Him because of those who falsely represented Him in this type of church, which is actually an abuse system. The Bible says control and manipulation is the sin of witchcraft. Controlling churches may be operating in a witchcraft system of abuse.

Another example I have heard often has come from women who have experienced rejection and abuse by a church leader or the body. In some churches they may be treated as a second class citizen not as coheirs in Christ and encouraged to serve in their giftings. Predominantly the largest groups of people that have experienced rejection in the church that I have counseled are women who ask for help with abusive family systems. I have spoken to many women that were destroyed because of how they were treated by church leaders as a victim of an abusive husband. They may have been encouraged to stay in unhealthy situations, to be submissive and do nothing against controlling witchcraft spirits in their homes. They were encouraged to be codependent, to set no boundaries, and not confront evil. The Bible is true when it says in Hosea 4:6 “My people perish for lack of knowledge.” The above behaviors worsen an abuse system; they do not change it or win the abuser over. Advice from a lack of understanding brings destruction. The worst I ever heard was a woman that was told by a pastor that maybe it was God’s will for her to die at her husband’s hand. Is this the ultimate rejection by someone speaking for God?

As a word of caution, we do need to determine if we are experiencing rejection because we are fulfilling God’s calling for our lives, or if is it because we need to have a look at our hearts. Remember, looking inward and examining our motives and actions are never for judgment, they’re for identification.

Is our life and voice challenging others from religion and legalism to true relationship and a willingness to be humble, transparent, and selfless before God and others? The wise receive and grow but those who reject God’s Word lack wisdom.

 “The wise men are ashamed, they are dismayed and taken. Behold, they have rejected the word of the Lord; So what wisdom do they have?” Jeremiah 8:9 NKJV

Our voice and our life may be an example of dying to ourselves so that Christ can live through our weakness, and this brings the smell of death that some Christians reject. They reject the message and do not operate in wisdom. We must maintain integrity even when, like Jesus, we are rejected without cause. He was rejected without cause and so will we also be rejected without provocation.

If the rejection that we have experienced is based on our shortcomings and we are being judged, we need to remember Christ’s strength is made perfect in our weaknesses. We are a genuine, yet flawed human being, working out our salvation with fear and trembling with a heart to serve God in our weaknesses. God does not ignore our heart and focus on our shortcomings, in fact quite the opposite.

“…For the Lord does not see as man sees;for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7 NKJV

God is after your heart, and out of your heart will come your actions. So no matter where you find yourself, make a decision to align your heart with God and let Him shine through you.

Dr. Michele

Copyright © 2014 by Dr. Michele Fleming, Ph.D.