“My Fiance Had Premarital Sex And I’m Jealous”

“My Fiance Had Premarital Sex And I’m Jealous”

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Dear Dr. Michele,

I’m a new believer. I am enjoying the joy and peace God brings to me. I was particularly thankful when I met my now fiance at a Bible study. I even cannot imagine that there could any relationship more perfect. Everything seems just awesome, but there is one obstacle challenging me from time to time. We both are new believers in a conservative church. We were taught how to be qualified Christians; what we should do and should not do in a relationship. We love each other so much. I admit that there are temptations and tests when we are close physically. We have been together for over a year, and we have never had sex. It is not a problem for both of us though. I don’t want to offend God or harm her.

The problem is, she had premarital sex several times with her previous boyfriend before she became a Christian. She said he pressured her and she eventually said yes. She told me that she did not even like the guy, but just did not think much about having sex.

I do love her very much, but I feel jealous and am struggling. I am a Christian, and cannot have premarital sex with my beloved girlfriend. She is the person I have been the closest with physically, but I’m not hers. I always feel somehow she is connected to her ex. I can’t understand why she saw her body as not valuable and gave it to someone she didn’t love. Sometimes, I even have the stupid image of them being together. I cannot tell my struggle to her or anyone in our church, but it really bothers me. Why can a non-Christian sin with my fiancé when they didn’t even love each other, while we cannot have sex even we are deeply in love and are preparing our wedding? I know I should not care about her virginity that much. I just feel that Christians are somehow tied to the cross; there are many things we cannot do.

Many religious books talk about what a sin premarital sex is, which both she and I agree with. The same books say how important virginity is to a successful marriage. I just feel terrible.

I love her very much and I will definitely marry her. I think I should not care about her past, but I can’t act like nothing has happened. I really need spiritual help.
Thank you for writing to me,

I understand that you are struggling with your feelings. It is your thinking that produces emotions of jealousy, or anger, or confusion. It is unfortunate that your girlfriend was unable to say no to a man that she did not love. Yet I know it may have been for many reasons. Maybe she was never given a voice to say no growing up? It merely shows that she is lacking some life skills to assert herself, set boundaries, confront if need be, and not be afraid of people pleasing. There could be a million different life experiences that promoted this and created thought patterns that resulted in an inability to handle this man’s pressure. She needs healing from it, not judgment.

We cannot hold her or the man to Christian values when neither of them were Christians at the time. We cannot be surprised because even Christians sin in this area. I have counseled 10,000 people, and I can tell you virginity is not the factor that makes marriages work or not work. It is healthy thinking in agreement to the Word and biblical life skills walked out that makes a successful marriage.

You don’t sound like you are trying to judge her, but you are struggling with not understanding and being jealous. Remember, she did not choose him or even love him. She loves you. She can be a redeemed virgin in her fresh commitment to God and you. I can see that she is walking that out with holy behavior between the two of you for over a year. You need to complete the grief of what you wish was better, different, or more in her purity, and then make peace with it. You can only do that by changing your mind and lining up your agreements to God’s Word.

You need to change your thinking about how it isn’t fair that non-Christians can partake in sexuality freely, yet as Christians we are “chained to the cross.” We have been given an understanding that the freedom of the world and feeding the flesh brings harm and destruction to our body, soul, and spirit, and we have been freed from that through obedience. Choose to release thoughts that envy those who are blind in sin.

In regard to how Jesus sees sin and the sinner consider the following. Did you know that the prostitute Rahab who helped Joshua and the armies of Israel is named in the lineage of Jesus? God obviously blots away our sin. There are many other examples in the New Testament. Jesus was gentle with the woman caught in the act of adultery. He walked with sinners, prostitutes, and tax collectors. They would have run from him if he was legalistic and condemning. Instead, they felt His love and acceptance of them as people, yet He rejected the sin they committed and they responded with belief and obedience.

I suggest you really pray and ask God to help you see her as God sees her. He sees us as holy after we have repented. He does not see our sins anymore. Pray and release the grief and jealousy, and renew your mind. Below is a link to a blog on my website “Freedom From Condemnation.” I think you’ll find it helpful. Please read it as it will help you see how God sees sin, repentance, and our good standing in Him when we transform our minds to agree with Him.

https://www.drmichele.org/freedom-condemnation/

I hope this has been helpful to you,

Dr. Michele
Copyright © 2014 by Michele Fleming Ph.D.